We All Carry Narcissism: How Awareness Helps Us Heal and Reconnect
In LGBTQ+ communities, we’ve often been told that “self-love” is the ultimate goal. But what happens when that self-love feels more like armor than truth?
As I say in The United States of Disconnection:
“If you’ve ever wanted to be liked, needed others to see your best side, or cringed when confronted with your faults—congratulations, you have narcissism. So do I. So does everyone.”
Narcissism isn’t selfishness. It’s a survival strategy. And for LGBTQ+ people—who often grow up without safe mirrors—those strategies can be deeply ingrained.
Narcissism as Survival in Queer Lives
Queer and trans folks often face rejection early in life. For many, that rejection leaves us believing we must perform in order to belong.
Some become the “perfect child” to prove worth.
Others overachieve at work or in activism, never letting themselves rest.
Some hide their authentic selves under layers of charm or distance.
This isn’t vanity—it’s survival.
My Story: The Broken Mirror
When I was ten, I told my mother: “He doesn’t know how to imagine what it’s like to be me.”
I was speaking about my father—charming in public, withdrawn at home. My authentic self never felt safe in his mirror.
Many LGBTQ+ clients tell me similar stories. They learned early that showing their full selves—especially their gender identity or sexual orientation—risked rejection. So they performed instead.
Cultural Mirrors: LGBTQ+ and Society
In North America, culture often rewards performance over authenticity. LGBTQ+ people feel this doubly—first in heteronormative society, and often again in queer spaces that value perfection, aesthetics, or status.
But healing asks us to step away from the performance. It asks us to connect, even when imperfect.
Love Loops™: A Practice of Queer Healing
Love Loops™—moments of mutual empathy, vulnerability, and repair—are the antidote to narcissistic disconnection.
In queer community, Love Loops look like:
Validating someone’s pronouns even if you stumble.
Choosing repair over cancellation when conflict arises.
Allowing ourselves to be seen in our joy and our struggle.
Healing begins when we risk authenticity together.
Reflection Prompts 🌈
When have I felt pressure to perform rather than be authentic?
Whose acceptance did I crave most, and what did I give up for it?
Where in my LGBTQ+ community do I feel most mirrored and affirmed?
Gratitude Moment 🌿
Pause to honor someone in your life who has seen you fully—your identity, your flaws, your strengths—and reflected back love. Breathe gratitude for them, and let that warmth root you.
Takeaway
We all carry narcissism. But for LGBTQ+ people, this isn’t a flaw—it’s a mark of resilience in unsafe systems. Healing happens when we release the performance and build communities where authenticity is safe.
Let’s commit together to creating spaces where no one has to hide to belong.
